Leaving safely: what to prepare before you go

If you are planning to leave, the most important thing on this page is this: call an advocate before you act.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Free, confidential, any hour, with interpreters. They do this every day, they will not tell you what to do, and they will help you think it through with someone who knows the risks.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Why timing matters

Leaving is statistically the most dangerous period in an abusive relationship. Control that has been maintained for years is threatened, and escalation is a recognised risk.

That is not said to frighten you or to discourage leaving. It is said because it is the reason preparation is worth the wait, and the reason a plan made with someone experienced is safer than one made alone at two in the morning.

Documents

Originals if you can, photographs of everything if you cannot. Stored somewhere they cannot reach — with a trusted person, in a locker, or in an account they do not know exists.

• ID, passport, birth certificates, immigration papers
• Bank cards and account details
• Benefits, medical and insurance information
• Custody or court orders, tenancy or mortgage papers
• Prescriptions and medical records
• Photographs of any injuries, dated

Money

Anything you can set aside without it being noticed. A separate account at a different bank, with statements going somewhere safe. Cash matters too — cards can be tracked and frozen.

If finances are entirely controlled, say so when you call. Advocates deal with this constantly and there are options.

Devices

This is where many plans come apart.

• Assume your phone may be monitored. Plan from a device they cannot access.
• Check location sharing in phone settings and inside individual apps.
• A cheap prepaid phone they do not know about is one of the most useful things you can have.
• New passwords from a safe device, on new accounts, with recovery details they cannot reach.
• Turn off shared cloud accounts — photos and notes often sync silently.

People

Tell someone. One person is enough, but not nobody. Agree a word or a message that means call me now, and a second that means call the police.

A bag

Somewhere outside the house if possible. Clothes for a few days, medication, chargers, spare keys, the documents, something comforting for any children.

Children and pets

Take copies of custody papers. Ask the advocate about the legal position before you move — it varies by state and getting it wrong can be used against you later. Many shelters can now arrange for pets, which is worth asking about, because concern for an animal keeps a lot of people in place.

Afterwards

• Consider a protective order — the hotline can explain how it works where you live.
• Vary your routine.
• Tell your workplace, and your children’s school, who is not authorised.
• Keep documenting.

You are not overreacting

People wait years partly because they are not sure it is bad enough to count. There is no threshold you must clear. If you are frightened, that is enough, and the call is free.

More resources, and a quick-exit button, on the Harbor of Hope page.